Q: Why can't you add a single been to 239 Bean Irish Stew?

Answer: <In Best Irish Accent> Because then it would be too farty! (Two Forty)


SD

Pirates_Ghost

Or perhaps my other favorite?


Mrs. O'Grady was at home cleaning when there came a knock on the door.
She opened the door to find the Constable and a man she knew to be from the Guiness bottling plant where Mr. O'Grady worked as a taster.
Being a smart woman, she knew there must have been an accident, and imediatly invited the men in, and took a seat.
"Wot's happened then?" she says in a shaky voice.
"Well ma'am," says the Constable "It's bad news I'm afraid, your husband has passed"
"Oh MY!" she says, starting to cry. "Wot happened to him?"
"He drowned, ma'am." said the man from the plant. "He was taste testing a batch o' Guiness when he lost his balance and fell in the vat".
"Did he go quickly?" she asked.
"Well...no ma'am" said the Constable. "He put a hell of a fight, though. And I can asure you he died happy. As we were trying to pull him out, he kept fighting us yelling 'Get oaf me ye Bastards! Get oaf! This is mine, ALL MINE!"

__________________
Two wrongs don't make a Right, but THREE Lefts do!

jack

Here's a few more for you lot --

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of
Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and
one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his
pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs,
and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the
fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya
bastard! Spit it out!"

************************************************** ***************

An Irish Fight:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp. What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little
sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."

************************************************** ***************

Irish Cemetery:

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road, which led past the old
graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, and it says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly
lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

************************************************** *************

Irish Miracle:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the
cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

************************************************** ************

Irish Accident:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** *************

Irish Predicament:

Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest
coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just sits there. Finally,
the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.

************************************************** *************

Irish Last Request:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have
any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says,
"What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down the gun!"

sigdog

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

************************************************** ***********
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

************************************************** ***********
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

************************************************** ***********
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

stinson

How do 3 irish man screw in a light bulb?

One stands on a stool and holds the lightbulb and the other two drink till the room spins

jack

Way more information than I needed :wink: :wink: :wink:

Icy

Jack do you really think we should ask for more info on the green underwear?

Pirates_Ghost

How about some St. Joesph day jokes (seeing as March 19 is St. Joe's day)....
OK>..maybenot....that opens it up to some really nasty jokes...seeing as St. Joe is Polish. For get I said it. (says the Swede married to a Pole)

__________________
Two wrongs don't make a Right, but THREE Lefts do!