sigdog

A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately
she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and
visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It
was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.
They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a
bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard
every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
He and the young lady were to wed in a month.
The witch told him, ..."Nothin' says lovin' like something from a coven, and pills buried say it best."

Pirates_Ghost

Infamous footballer David Beckham (Manchester United, UK) was talking with his young son Romeo one evening over supper.
Young Romeo was saying to his Da "Da, I've joined up with the local youth football club, but I have to choose a number for me kit. I wanted to be 7 like you, but Kyle got that, so what number should I pick?"
Beck thinks for a long time then finally says with great gusto















"Wear 4 out there, Romeo!"

__________________
You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you - Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

sigdog

A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South
Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their
colleagues back at the university where they taught.
"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a
fellow professor.
One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had
discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the
leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which
quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really
work?"
Replied the botanist,






"With fronds like these...who needs enemas."

Pirates_Ghost

My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and more to the point, whether anything could be done about it.
So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.
The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again.
But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.
The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a fortune.











It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become a doc-billed fatty-puss.

__________________
You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you - Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

sigdog

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small
clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought
the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of
German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing
in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to
come out of the house.
"Just listen!", he urged. "The Mills Are Alive With the Hounds
of Munich!"

Pirates_Ghost

A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday. The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop. There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it. He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle. As he was leaving the store owner said "Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here. I live right above the shop and I'll help you out any time you want."
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home. He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn't see them when he brought them in. Next morning is the son's birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents and to check on the hamster. He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage with it's legs in the air! He realises that his son will be distraught as he's talked about nothing else for weeks! Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop and knocked on the owner's door. He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says "What can I do with the old one? I don't want to bury it as the cat may dig it up and I don't want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin".
The pet-shop owner replies "What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water, bring it to the boil and then add the hamster and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically. It makes quite a nice jam."
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe and then dashes home with the new hamster. He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it and promptly goes off to play with it. The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner's recipe so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar, then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking. After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it. He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite. And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting! In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden, and does his best to forget about the whole thing.
But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn. He is at a loss to explain it as he's never had any in his garden before! Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food for the hamster so the man agrees. Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals, the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
"So", he said, "did you try that recipe I gave you?"
"Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window. Odd thing is, where is landed I've got daffodils growing!"
"Daffodils?" asked the store owner, "Are you sure?

You usually get tulips from hamster-jam"

__________________
You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you - Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Pirates_Ghost

A a women I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. She was introduced to the owner of the place and his assistant, Tonto. When she aked what the owner's name was, he said "You can just call me the Clone Arranger".

When she asked why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.

As the clones were growing up, she found she was never allowed to take them out for a walk, because "you'll never walk a clone".

What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.

__________________
You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you - Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

SD_WILSON

Did you hear that she was recently arrested? One of the screaming clones had the foulest language. Finally, in disgust, she took it to the top of a tall building and threw it off. Upon exiting the building the police immediately arrested her and charged her with.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Making an obscene clone fall!!


SD

__________________
Life is far too important to be taken seriously!

Pirates_Ghost

(and Mr. Wilson enters the race )

A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. Since competition in their area was quite fierce, they wanted their new business to have something unique about it.
After much thought, they decided to set up shop on board a boat, moored on the banks of the river. As an added bonus, they also offered river crossings in the boat, with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry.

__________________
You can't wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you - Look, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!