SD_WILSON

Deep Thoughts - byJack Handey
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If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around with a lot of other guys like me.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point!

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly, but they forget the negative side - the preening.

If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

If you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, that makes no sense.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away (and you have their shoes).

I wish my name was Todd because then I could say "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, I also wish my last name was Blankenship.

Once I cried because I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and imagine a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely wrapped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean jellyfish with long, blond hair.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? He's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Do you ever stop to realize that a tree is a living thing; not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

If the Vikings were around today, they'd probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take it for granted.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

When you're riding in a time machine, way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it will turn into a fossil.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks. He would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me this toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you ever crawl into an hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, well then, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it dull that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

I don't think I'm ever more ''aware'' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said, "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued like that back and forth for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die, and he wanted to tell someone about the treasure. "Okay, " I said, "As long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story about the treasure and his life, and I thought "This story isn't too long." But then he kept going and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself, "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. The movie was a little long, though.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Fly Trap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and that could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your back yard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.

I hope life isn't one big joke, because I don't get it!

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. If someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I had hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Grandpa used to describe the size of everything in terms of a calf. For instance, if he was describing a large dog, he would say it was 'about as big as a calf.' Or about a car, he would say it 'could seat four calves comfortably.' (Oh, that was another thing: how many calves could ride in something?) One time he was talking about a calf he had, and I asked him how big it was. He said it was 'about three-quarters as big as a calf.' Sometimes Grandpa would tell time by calves. If you asked him how long something would take, he'd say 'About as long as it takes a calf to drive over here.'

Life is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was making love to his wife beside the pool because they thought it was pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you. Life is like that.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

When I was in the second grade, there was this other kid who always used to make fun of me. His name was Stupen Dumbello. I think he was from a foreign country. He was real fat and wore real thick glasses and had a bad complexion. One time after he made fun of me I said to him: 'Someday, somebody's going to make fun of you.' But I don't think they ever did.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. 'An angel helped me,' he said, 'Also, he ate your Twinkies.'

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, 'within reason.' When I asked her what she meant by 'within reason,' she said, 'You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.'

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me! You.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cavemen, 'If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.' Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!' We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I remember the time, there used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

I can still remember Uncle Rick sitting in that chair of his, listening to opera. He'd have this weird expression on his face. Then when he finally got untied from the chair, he'd try to catch us. Man, he hated opera.

One day I was at Grandpa's farm and Grandpa asked me if I wanted to see him cut the head off a chicken. I said no, but he said to come anyway, that it would be good for me. It wasn't. It was horrible. Blood spurting everywhere, Grandpa running around screaming, and worst of all, Grandpa's finger still wiggling after it had been cut off. If this is GOOD for kids, then I'd hate to see what's bad.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ''Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!'' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ''That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.'' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for ''better treatment''? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, ''Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.'' Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the 'Cricket Boy', because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, 'You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else.' Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

It's easy to go get some lumber and nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. But what's hard is to try to take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, 'What was that?!?

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, ''I swallowed it. So sue me.''

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in their heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow, I'd get myself elected president.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad'. We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said 'Watch for Rocks'. Marta said it should read 'Watch for Pretty Rocks'. I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke'. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed'? Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold,' and I'd say, 'Well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?

If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'

I remember lying there and watching an anthill for hours. I would watch them scurrying back and forth, carrying things, digging new tunnels, and finally it hit me: these are the things that are biting me.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist', because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, 'How's my back tooth?' and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, 'Oh it's okay' then the patient would probably say, 'Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?' and you'd say, "Aw, screw you, get outta here,' and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, 'I helped skin Bob.'

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. 'You don't have to tell me,' I said. 'I'm off the team, aren't I?' 'Well,' said Coach, 'you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.' It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.

Uncle Lou once gave me a twenty-dollar gold piece. 'Don't lose it,' he said. Then, about five years later, he took it back. 'It's a good thing you didn't lose it,' he said, 'or I would have been really mad.'

I'll never forget how happy I was when I got my first paycheck, because I thought, Oh, boy, now I can quit!

If they ever come up with a swash-buckling school, I think one of the courses should be 'Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something'.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'

When Grandpa gave me that ten dollars and asked me to go to the store and get some groceries for him, I knew I had a choice: I could go buy candy and gumballs for me and friends, or I could buy model airplanes.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

The day I met Marta was the happiest day of my life, because that was the day I screwed a friend of mine out of a bunch of money.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Instead of mouse traps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

If I had time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.

Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows / But without that noise.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he has accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Folks still remember the day old Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go because, man, they're gone.

I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat'. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?' (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go 'Whoa! Whoa!' and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, 'Okay, is everybody ready to start now?'

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun.'

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.

How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, 'Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.'

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like 'Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.'

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

The sound of fresh rain splashing down from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

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Life is far too important to be taken seriously!