test03

Losing Weight
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

test03

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love,
Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,
proceeds to give his son the whole works.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then, Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

test03

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He discovered that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms.

" The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

test03

Deputy and the Lawyer
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. The lawyer thinks that
he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides
to prove this tohimself and have some fun at the deputies expense. Deputy says, "License
and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a
complete stop at the stop sign" Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to
a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you
can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket.
" Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out
his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop or just slow down?"

test03

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.



I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?



A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."






Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!






Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.






Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"




And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

gei_spot

[quote=test03]Losing Weight
[

R

Both of them. Still funny tho....

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