test03

This is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

test03

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

test03

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for
yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

So............... why is it again that we work ?

test03

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
up
the
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
"TIPS"
and a
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
mailed
photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you
are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
book,
got back on his motorcycle and left.

test03

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

test03

AIR LINES, YA GOTTA LOVE THEM !!



Airline cabin announcements
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
> "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
> real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
> want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
> attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
> find a seat and get in it!"
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
> pilot said, "L! adies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
> something we'd like to have.
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of this airplane"
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
> as hell everything has shifted."
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
> to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
> and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
> know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> unsupervised."
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab! the mask, and pull it over your face. If
> you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
> with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
> favorite."
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
> ! Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
> bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
> really havi! ng to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
> Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
> your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
> of our airplane to the gate!"
>
> 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
> smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
> light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye, thinking that som! eone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
> had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
> pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
> down?"
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
> to the terminal."
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of US Airways."
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
> to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
> light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
> is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
> sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen, I am so sor! ry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
> you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
> lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
> "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

JulianW

Who called for a joke-a-thon?

Don't give out all of your best jokes all at once, leave some for next week.

I've also just seen a .wmv file of the elderly Floridian lady set as an advert for St. Johns Ambulance's free eye tests, I would post it but at 2.5 Mb it's a bit on the big side.

monkeylizard

OK, the whole Prison vs. Work should end something like this...

PRISON: Fat Tony gets to do bad things to you in the shower.
WORK: No Fat Tony.

This alone makes work FAR better than prison and cancels out all the others.

test03

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE! Well, the hours passed away quickly, and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00 am, drunk as a skunk, I arrived home and just as soon as I got in the front door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she would probably wake up, so I cuckood another 9 times! I was really proud of my accomplishment! Having such a snappy, witty solution to avoid a possible severe conflict with the wife. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got home. I said "At midnight, like I promised". She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Got away with that one" I thought to my brilliant self. Then she said that we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****', cuckooed four more times, cleared its' throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, then cuckooed twice more, then farted".